My Minimalist, Budget-Friendly Elopement
At the core of my ministry lies a burning desire to inspire creativity and agency in places where tradition has become overtaken by soullessness. I see it in the consumer-driven holidays we celebrate as if by rote. I observe the complete lack of self-inquiry in the mental equation that everyone seems to be making: “It is x day, so I must y.”
My question is WHY? Why must you y? Can you y on another day? On x day, can’t you abcde instead? Convince me that doing y on day x matters to you, that it nourishes you and your family and deepens your connection to your community and to life itself.
What we do makes us who we are. It saddens me when I see folks buying into social expectations and letting their meaning-making muscles go limp on days that are particularly sacred. Births, weddings, funerals. Endings and beginnings, times of joy, crisis, and thanksgiving. These milestones will happen to us whether or not we take professional photographs and spring for catering. Rather than letting things happen to us, as if they are inevitable because on x, we y - I would argue that we have the capacity to imbue deeper significance to major life events. By marrying ritual action with soulful significance, we can experience rites of passage more fully and live them in such a way that they transform us and those who witness us, propelling us onward, teaching us humility, inspiring awe, and leaving beauty in our wake.
That is why it has been such an honor to work with my clients and to hone in on what is true and sacred for them in the context of major life events and ceremonies. And it is, of course, a principle that I apply in my own life. I applied it with gusto when I married my spouse. For starters, we decided to elope. I joke that celebrants choose to celebrate themselves similarly to how chefs eat when they are not on the job - simply. Well, but simply.
My spouse and I felt that our family and friends had already blessed us with their approval, and we are both quite introverted. The idea of a full wedding with us as the center of attention did not feel like something we would enjoy. We did not want to throw a party for others. We wanted to create a rite of passage ceremony for ourselves. And so, we did.
We quietly went to city hall and got our marriage license in order, so that we would have it ready to go when we needed it. We ordered matching bands made of recycled gold from a company we felt good about supporting. And then we went through the typical process that I go through with my clients - we talked about what was important to us and we each filled out my Couple Questionnaire. We delighted in reading each other’s responses and blending them to co-create our ceremony. I am so proud of what we wrote together.
We chose our dear friend, a minister who had played an instrumental role in getting us together, to officiate. She hosts a monthly full moon gathering which we thought would be the perfect opportunity to be married by someone we love, surrounded by a few dear ones who know us and love us. We gave our officiant the ceremony and our marriage license a couple of days before the full moon.
This is how we made our day feel special:
We spent a couple of days and the night before the wedding apart. This is the “separation” element of ritual. It creates space between ordinary life and the ceremonial occasion.
We dressed and adorned ourselves in a way that felt special but still very comfortable and very “us.” I did schedule a haircut (symbolic of new beginnings). Again, this helped to set the day apart. I made sure that we wore natural fibers, which was important to me. And I made my partner a sweet little boutonniere from flowers and herbs we found in our neighborhood.
Before the ceremony, my husband brought us the same orders from the restaurant where we had our first dinner date.
Ceremony highlights:
We gathered outdoors and stood in a circle with bare feet on the earth
We offered palo santo smoke to everyone present and as an offering to local nature spirits to ground us into sacred time and space
We casted a circle collaboratively, by calling the 7 directions (the cardinal directions, above, below, and center) and their corresponding elements
We handed out pink chime candles for everyone to hold at their center, as we ritually infused it with warmth and love and moonlight. We encouraged everyone to light their candle after the ceremony to invite love into their lives, or on behalf of a dear one.
Our officiant read our Love Story (which we had co-written)
We responded “we do” to vows we had written and exchanged rings
We kissed, opened the circle, and celebrated with a champagne toast
We spent less than $1000 total, including our rings, the marriage license, champagne, dinner, and ceremony props. It was simple, sweet, and perfect for us. We do not celebrate our anniversary on a specific date, but rather, on the full moon of the month we were married.
I hope this serves as inspiration for those of you who are curious about intimate, budget-friendly ways to tie the knot with your beloved. If you would like any support in planning your unique ceremony, I do offer consulting services. If you are in the Winston-Salem area, I am happy to meet you in any sweet little place (a backyard, a public park, your favorite restaurant) to declare you married!